“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
Imagine looking at a beautiful landscape through a camera. You might notice a bright flower, the shape of the clouds, or a snow-capped mountain in the distance. As you gaze through the lens, you are unaware of what lies beyond the small image you are seeing through your camera. All you can do is trust in what your vision is communicating to your brain. All you can do is trust that your camera is capturing everything that you need to see in order to keep you safe and happy.
All of us see the world through certain lenses, and that lens determines how we perceive, interpret, and interact with the world around us. These lenses are called core beliefs. The more a core belief is reinforced, the more it will become a deep part of our central belief system. They are subconscious thoughts, meaning you often do not realize this belief is guiding your perception and behavior until you thoroughly examine and explore your worldview.
Having negative core beliefs can manifest in anxiety, self-sabotage, distrust in yourself and others, defensiveness, shame, anger, and depression. Common negative core beliefs include:
- I’m not good enough
- I don’t matter
- I’m not safe
- It’s my fault
- I’m not in control
Core beliefs are learned through stories that dictate who you are and who you are expected to be. These stories are then reinforced through life experiences. These stories can come from anyone (caretakers, teachers, bosses, friends, etc.), and can be explicit or implicit. Explicit stories are directly verbalized, such as:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re pretty chunky to be an athlete.”
- “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
- “Don’t be so stupid.”
- “I hate you.”
Implicit stories are the opposite. They are often communicated by behaviors instead of words and are left up to the individual to interpret and assume their meaning, such as:
- Trying to talk to your parents, but they are consumed with their phones.
- All of your friends were invited to the party, but you were not.
- The teacher never picked you as the class leader.
- Dad comes home drunk every night and becomes violent.
- Mom promised she would come to your game, but you don’t see her in the crowd.
These examples may activate feelings of unworthiness, unimportance, or a lack of safety. All of the insecurities, fears, and shame you feel are used as subconscious evidence for why you are unworthy, unimportant, or unsafe. Your brain will automatically perceive these feelings as threats (or triggers) in your environment, causing overreactions, defensiveness, disregarding boundaries, and trying too hard to earn love. It becomes the lens that filters your world. It becomes impossible to see anything beyond this lens. It becomes your truth. While these beliefs feel true, it does not mean that they are actually true.
The people in your life that told you these stories were likely suffering from their own negative core beliefs, addictions, and traumas that were unfairly projected onto you, making it feel like it was your fault. They might not have had the ability, tools, or capacity to attend to your needs and they made it your responsibility to get your needs met. They might not have had the emotional maturity, regulation, and knowledge to give you what you deserved and they left you to figure it out for yourself.
Understanding what stories you learned in your past and what stories you currently live by will allow you to see how your perception of yourself and the world has been shaped and molded in potentially catastrophic ways. Understanding the core beliefs that guide your actions and reactions will empower you to redefine the negative core beliefs into ones that bring peace and acceptance.
Who told you that you were a failure? Who or what made you feel like you did not matter? What made you feel unsafe?
- In place of, “I am a failure,” you can affirm that, “I cannot always be successful, but that does not mean I am a failure.”
- In place of, “My needs do not matter, therefore I do not matter,” you can affirm, “I belong here and I deserve to take up space.”
- In place of, “I am unsafe,” you can affirm that, “It is over; I am safe now.”
Working with a mental health professional can help uncover and raise awareness into what stories you live by and what core beliefs filter your worldview. Together, you can revise these deep-seated beliefs in a way that is essential for healing from your past and ensuring your best future.